Chink in my armor

She has found the chink in my armor. Monday night she made a simple request - could she make annual phone calls to her friends and favorite teacher in China, AND could she call them all on her birthday as it would make her happy to hear their voices on her birthday. Let's just say it wasn't my finest hour. I got cranky (more on the inside than out) about her ongoing bond to people she left behind. Coupled with the fact that she's never asked when any of our family birthdays are, I just felt extremely put out by the request. One of my first thoughts was, "Why can't they call you once a year for your birthday? Why is it our responsibility to fund this ongoing bond?" DH was more reasonable and reminded me that her desire and need to "call home" will diminish over time and it's been less than 2 months since she left.

Today, during a geography lesson about Christopher Columbus having an oops moment and bumping into the Americas on his way to China, she pulls out the translator to tell me that she is going back to China when she is 18. Why? Because she is Chinese. I explained to her that she is actually Chinese-American now. She pointed out that while she might be an orphan and not know who her parents were or the location of her birth, she knows China is her country of origin. I suggested she might want to stay until after she finished college because she will need to find a job whether she stays in America or returns to China. She said she plans to be a math teacher. Not sure if that doesn't require a college degree in China, but clearly her thoughts right now are that this situation with us is temporary and she WILL return to China. I told her that when we adopted her, she became our daughter forever, just like her big sister JJ. I said we would miss her if she went back to China. She tried to comfort me saying that it was still 6 years away. I replied that was 6 years to love her more and miss her even more.
Now clearly, she is not the one with the problem here. It is me. Even as I was having an emotional reaction during the events and now as I revisit them in my thoughts I am well aware that I am over-reacting. We are still just another in a series of caregivers she has had in her life. None of them were permanent. She doesn't understand permanence. She does understand and hold tight to her cultural and ethnic identity. No one can take that from her.

I realize that what I am seeking at some level is gratitude, appreciation, and mutual love. Our adoption preparation told us that while most parents hope for or maybe even expect some degree of appreciation or gratitude for adopting, few ever get it. How many of us have ever had a child we physically birthed come home one day and say, "Hey Mom & Dad, thanks for deciding to bring me into this family"? It just doesn't happen. And gratitude from our kids isn't why we became parents in the first place.
It is far too early for her to be feeling love for us. There is a degree of jealousy in my reactions. I want the bond she has with her teacher. I want that and so much more. I am being impatient. I am being unreasonable. I am being human.

Families who adopt, and I think especially the moms, deal with many emotions. It is easy to express the excitement, anticipation, the frustration with the delays, the nervousness about the unknowns leading up to the "big day". It is much harder to express the disappointment, hurt, and frustration once you're back home. We know we did the right thing, but that doesn't mean that every minute of every day together is pure joy. Sometimes it's a real pain. Sometimes there are hurt feelings (on both sides). Sometimes it is pure joy. Building a parent-child relationship from scratch takes a long time. Doing it with an older child is complicated. Do we have any regrets? Absolutely not! Do I wish I could wave a magic wand and have an instant and perfect bond with my daughter? You bet. Bonding is hard work, and I'm pouting over my bumps and bruises.