Cutting Ties

Well we finally made the decision to cut the cord with Beijing for Alice. She has been making calls (with Skype so we're not broke) starting within 24 hours of when we took custody of her in China. At first the calls were almost daily. We cut it back to weekends only - but still 3 hours worth of calls! Then this past August we cut her back to 1 hour a week on the weekends. About 3 weeks ago I wrote about discovering that her relationship with her best friend in Beijing was not a healthy one. We also have tried to get Alice to see how all of her relationships with people in China are entirely dependent on her efforts. She is not receiving calls, mail or email in response to her communication.

Last May I wrote from a different perspective on why we felt the contact and phone calls were good for her. At that point Alice needed a communication outlet, people she could talk to without the hinderance of finding the words to express herself. She had only been attending school 3 weeks at that point and was still very limited in her understanding or her ability to be understood. Things have changed dramatically since then. 

Alice has almost 2 months of middle school behind her. Her English language skills are growing by leaps and bounds. Her speech is getting clearer. She also has contact with a friend from her orphanage who just was adopted and lives fairly close to us. There are other kids she could connect with now that her time won't be monopolized with calling Beijing. She will soon have a sister who she can speak Chinese with at home.

We don't think she is aware of just how many people in her "new" life want to befriend her. Her teachers all adore her - just like the beloved teachers she left behind in Beijing. Her classmates here are friendly and would like to be her friend, but she needs to be more open to that reality. 

This is a difficult decision for us. We hope we are doing what is best for Alice in the long run, but we expect a lot of questioning about why and hopefully some grieving. Why do I say hopefully? We have yet to see any real grief over what she has lost. Whether that is because there was no real bond with anyone in China before or she hasn't accepted that her life has changed dramatically and permanently, we aren't sure. I don't think it is because she is happy to have that part of her life behind her, but I could be wrong. I was wrong about her relationship with her best friend. 

We are not trying to cause pain or to erase that part of her life. Alice will be allowed to write letters and send email to her friends in China, just no more phone calls. It will take more effort - for her and for them - and we will see if she will be as willing to put out that effort when she is getting nothing in return.