We ended 2012 with more unknowns and surprises than we anticipated. Deciding to pursue a second adoption just months after getting home with Alice was a huge leap of faith. After the initial hurdles (language, acculturation, school placement), Alice has transitioned easily into our family. She has been by all accounts an "easy" adoption. The only surprises we had with her were pleasant ones - her special need was less than an expected and her academic ability is incredible.
What helped us decide to pursue a second adoption so quickly was the assumption that there would be no surprises with this specific adoption. If you've been following the blog, you already know that I had contact with Lucy's foster mom from the very beginning. We exchanged a lot of information. I felt confident that I had an accurate image of Lucy's needs. Within 24 hours of meeting Lucy I knew that my expectations were off - possible way off.
My time in China was hard. I went through a lot of emotional upheaval as I began to realize what we were facing. I crashed hard when I got home. Thankfully Steve was strong and gave me the time, space and support I needed to regain my footing. In the past week, I think we have traded places as he begins to deal with his own thoughts and concerns for the future - feelings he put on hold while I was recovering.
Before I left for China I had already started the process to have full medical and school-based evaluations done for Lucy as soon as possible after our return. I knew she would need services at school for her speech and fine motor skills. Like Alice, we wanted to get confirmation/clarification of the medical diagnosis in her adoption paperwork. The difference now is that we also need those evaluations to tease out the reasons for Lucy's learning differences.
We were extremely blessed that Alice's situation turned out to be better than the information in her paperwork. We were comfortable with a second adoption IF we were bringing home another child with needs similar to Alice - some physical disabilities PERIOD. We were confident that was what we were taking on with Lucy's adoption. It's not and it's hard. International adoption is almost guaranteed to have surprises along the way. Older child adoption is almost guaranteed to have surprises along the way. We thought we were safe from surprises and that overconfidence is a big reason for the difficulty we have had in adjusting to the situation in front of us.
I have found incredible support from friends near and far. We have not shared our concerns with many, but as we continue to get feedback from others who see the same issues we've seen it's time to open up and share the struggles. The next 3-6 months will be a time of discovery and understanding.
Lucy is loving school and she is well placed while we wait for her IEP (Individualized Education Program) to be developed and implemented. That process officially begins January 18 and will take 60 days to complete all the evaluations and write a plan for services. Lucy has already had initial medical screenings from a local cerebral palsy clinic which referred her for rehab evaluation (recommended her for an intensive 2-3 week therapy program later this year and neurogenetics evaluation), eye exam (no issues found), orthopedic evaluation (scheduled), an MRI (waiting for date), and neuropsychology evaluation to formally asses her intellectual status (to be scheduled after the MRI).
It's easy with all the unknowns and disappointments to lose sight of the positives. I need to remind myself regularly that there are positives. Lucy is adjusting well. She and Alice are getting along. They enjoy each other's company and there is lots of laughter. Lucy loves going to school. She is helpful, polite, and generally happy. We've encountered her stubborn streak and she definitely has mastered the teen attitude (no eye rolls, but her "humph" is really good!), but those are normal behaviors for her age. We'll take "normal" in all it's forms at this point.
I can't ignore the faith component of this situation. I have had a crisis of faith in some ways over this. I was so sure that God opened the doors that positioned us to be the right family at the right time for Lucy. Looking back at all the pieces that fell into place for her adoption to happen - I don't believe in coincidence - so what happened? As I typed this paragraph just now, the answer was revealed. DUH.
Go back and reread the first part of this post - it's all about finding the right child for us and our situation. Hmmm. More than a little self-centered seeing it in black and white. Then the words flowed out of the keyboard - "God opened the doors that positioned us to be the right family at the right time for Lucy." Time for me to step back, breathe, pray, trust, accept, and move forward with a grateful heart. Thanks for listening while I talked myself through the fog.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented. After reading your post, I knew I had to respond. First, I want to let you know that you are not alone. My husband and I adopted a 12 year old girl from China in July of last year. We were told she was of average intelligence. After starting school, we have found out that her math skills are at the 1st grade level. She has possible ADHD, PTSD, hearing issues, and a learning disability. The school in our area is not being helpful. We have finally found a psychologist in our area that is from China, speaks Mandarin, and is willing to do all the testing needed for our daughter. It's been a hard road so far, but when I look at our new daughter and our 3 year old son playing and laughing together, I know it has all been worth it. I hope Lucy gets the help she needs. If you want to contact me my email is kcweil1@gmail.com.
Good luck, Kristen
OH MY!! After reading this, I'm getting a queazy feeling! We have PA to bring home a 12 year old sometime in the fall. We've just started the paperchase, but will hopefully have her here by October. This will be our 5th adoption. My biggest concerns have been about bringing home an older child. We've parented for many years and have been through all phases, but international adoption is so different. I know I shouldn't let the stress of "what might be" scare me. I believe God placed this girl in front of us and made her needs known to us. She is listed as developmentally delayed...no other special needs. But her report says she is an average student in school...HMMMM!! Her information may be far from the truth or close to it...so many unknowns. I have been praying for God to prepare her heart for having a family and to prepare ours for whatever her needs are.
ReplyDeleteKaren, there are too many unknowns and no way of getting answers to most of them. Adoption is a step of faith. But, I would add that just from the few things you list I think you have promising signs. I have read of numerous families who brought home children labelled as developmentally delayed, who were actually just suffering from institutional delays and quickly overcame those delays. Second you said she is an average student in school. That's outstanding for a truly developmentally delayed child. Good news for you that she is getting an education, better still if you find out that it is school outside the orphanage. Kids who go to school outside the orphanage are mainstreamed with NO EXTRA ASSISTANCE. Alice attended 4th grade outside the orphanage and she is still complaining that math here is too easy after skipping an entire grade to get closer to her same age peers. Get as much information as you can about her daily life - friends, activities, education - and then read between the lines. BTW - I follow your blog and I think I missed that you are adopting again. Congratulations! PS - I love seeing the snow pics in the UP. Wishing we get at least a little here in the mid-Atlantic.
DeleteDon't worry, you didn't miss any announcement that we are adopting again. The agency we're using doesn't allow any information or pictures to be posted online. (we even had to sign an agreement) But I did post information about her BEFORE we decided to pursue her adoption, and haven't deleted it ;)
ReplyDeleteShe has never been in the orphanage, that we can tell(she's in foster care), and was abandoned when she was 8 years old. Which really makes me wonder why?
But from the videos, she seems like a very sweet girl and God is directing this!
We really need alot more snow than we have...the temps are dropping and there's not much ground cover. How about in your parents' neck of the woods? Did they get more lake affect snow?
Sandra - Thank you so much for an update. I'd wondered how Lucy was doing. Hang in there and keep us posted. This was a beautiful post, by the way.
ReplyDelete